its wednesday, july the 19th
i'm riding to my aunt's house on chinoe/alumni
im picking up baseball tickets.
my parents are taking me to a game
and buyin' me beer
i may've had the green arrow
i may not've
i didn't want to stop and start again
all i'd had to eat today was poptarts. i was tired
i kept momentum and started to turn onto alumni, where inbound traffic was stopped in the left lane
and as far as i could see, clear in the right lane until a ways back
i cross through the first lane of traffic
and WOAH where the fuck did that car come from?
instinctively
i brake
i come to a stop right in front of the god damned car
they don’t swerve, they don’t slow
they're going to stop they're going to stop
in slow motion
black out.
i'm rolling on the ground
i roll up, double over, half-ass indian-style
i'm in the middle of the road, instinct is to walk out of the way of danger
i'm screaming
ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod
i lock eyes with a girl sitting in her car, stopped in traffic.
the sun is bright
i lost my sunglasses
'are you okay?'
'call 911!'
and i moan and recline, hand under head, on my side, on that blazing pavement as the sun beats down on me
black out
come to
there are two men kneeling in front of me
i cannot raise my eyes or head to look at them
they are telling me i have a gash in the back of my head
i am hurt badly
shutup i say
shutup
tell me i'm fine
i'm fine
a pool a pool
of
sticky
red
under my head
( i was a fish flopped out of its bowl. struggling for an air that isnt there. bleeding that way. breathing that way in the hot sun, on the asphalt, with my blood pouring out of my head. helpless.)
a woman comes and kneels by me and says
you're gonna be fine
'thank you'
'you're tough' says a man
'it runs in the family'
'an ambulance is on its way'
one million years later
they ask me so many questions
whats your name your address do you have insurance? what day is it who is president? ('george fuckin bush' gets laughs)
past the sea of people, shining in hot sun i see my bike, and a detached tire that looks as if superman took hold of both sides and twisted it
one of those crappy neck braces and
they roll me on a stretcher and are not careful
they bump me along and jerk me along and i'm scared for my head
they put me in this cold bright quiet ambulance
sound is trapped in the walls
there are people shining lights in my eyes and they ask me the same questions and why are you holding your head to the side like that?
because theres a hole back there sir
sorry for being a bitch but this sucks
can you call somebody anybody please can i please have somebody here? i need somebody
he can't work my phone
give it to me
i smear blood on the screen
my hands are soaked in blood
they put needles in my arm but like i care at this point
the medics make jokes to eachother as they wheel me into the er
‘nice day, isn't it?’
and my head is full of a cold dull pain and i'm scared to move it
they put my gurney against the wall
they go to take my leggings off
they're hurting my knee
can't you cut them off? (i've seen enough tv)
damn i loved those leggings
rachael comes quick and i'm so glad you're here please dont leave will you stay the whole time? even if they try to make you leave?
i tell her to keep touching my face
it feels much better
grannie comes and i start to cry. please dont worry grannie, she always worries.
a man comes and i mix his name up with the doctor before but i tell him i wrote this song for you and i sing him a song by the beatles because it hurts
he puts jelly on my belly and it is cold
my aunt says i have a cute heart
she sees blood and guts every day
he says i have a little urine in my bladder. they're going to make me pee in this bowl under my butt because as a foreshadowing they dont listen to me
when i tell them i am NOT pregnant i am on my period
it's just standard procedure ma'am
but i can't pee and it takes so long and then i do but those incompetent assholes
it fell onto the bed instead
oh misery
the doctor will be here soon
yeah right
'i can feel my head bleeding still. it's cold running out the back of my head'
the doctor will be here soon
yeah right
another man comes and i tell him your eyes match your scrubs and your name tag did you mean to do that?
he takes me to xray
he picks me up and moves me onto a hard board. it hurts all over.
out of the corner of my eye i see the foot-wide bright red puddle i left on the pillow
i'm scared i tell him
'now listen, all i see is blood, no brain, you'll be fine
and any man who can match his eyes to his scrubs has to know what he's talking about'
okay. i'm just going to cry, okay?
and i do
hard
but only for a second
this is not a good day
my mom finally comes dont let dad in here dont let him see this
he comes in
he walks back out
meanwhile rachael rubs my feet and somebody holds my hand but i have to keep telling them where to be careful because under that blood is cuts
one million years later
my sisters are here
and i sing the beatles very loud because another man is putting needles in my scalp
it crunches
dried blood
and he is anesthetizing me?
but that hurts
he does it about eighty hundred times
and sews me
and i cry
and i sing and sing and when it hurts more i sing louder
he says you'll just hear a pop, that's the staples
i dont hear anything
but somebody far off stapling papers together
i dont feel anything at all
he uses the whole box
'im swimming in your blood'
people in this hospital are fucking crude
he says there's nothing i can do about those two holes right here and here
good now get away from me
you're mean
they sit me up in the bed for the first time
i vomit up those poptarts
again
again
again
again
again
again
twelve times it feels
'i want to die'
no you don't says mom
'yes i do'
this morphine it doesnt even WORK and i'm so hot get this shirt off me
i dont care just cut it off it's covered in blood get it off me now i'm so hot
water water water
they wont let me have water, just these 'minty fresh' popsicle sticks with pink flower-shaped sponges on the end that are full of water
minty fresh
there are dust bunnies on the ceiling
i ask the nurse politely if she can do me a favor and knock out the guy next to me
he is a fucking baby and i am sick of hearing him groaning
and watching jerry springer's guests yell at eachother
he is drunk
mom asks if I want her to stay
i think about it
yes. (i can't imagine being alone in this place)
i ask them at least five times in an hour - this pain medicine is not working can i PLEASE get something??
they're bringing it honey
but that was forever ago, i need something for the pain
this preva-whatever doesnt work ok?
the night is restless
the flatscreen tv is bright blue, a nightlight, and it says 'component' in the upper right corner
they tried to leave the tv on. some channel. real tv.
goodness sakes turn that off
it is mom's nightlight
in the morning they get ambitious
so i have to pee well take her to the bathroom
the real one
i'm walking to it
With two people, one on each side
there is no such thing as privacy anymore
a few xrays later, and some mean people holding me down and scrubbing blood out of my head... and i'm in a wheelchair, eyes closed, sucking on that straw rhythmically
focusing on not puking
exhaust
we're traveling through different temperatures and smells
suddenly it's very very hot and bright
i open my eyes
my brother-in-law looks like he's going to cry
i straighten up and try to not look like i feel
my mother says she's taking me to her house
no way
my bunnies. i can't go live with you.
but i do
today is sunday. it has been over a week.
the policeman who looked into my eyes while i was lying in er told dad that
the driver didnt see me till i crashed through her windshield and bounced into the road
she got cut by the glass but wouldnt go to the hospital
she was hysterical
i'm sure she's been having nightmares
poor thing
it was both our fault
i'm going home tomorrow.
