I lose the will to live. I vomit mentally I lose it. I want I need tears this lump in throat so uncomfortable stomach knots heart? Body rising up against me
I lost it
For a moment
I stopped producing
I stopped
Writing
Painting
Cleaning
Organizing
Living for me
I still have this girl in my head
I still am this thing I been trying to disbecome
I’m scared of life and all its cold rocks with water running over in middle of nothing
Alone
Alone and destined for mind closing in destined for what for insanity meaning death?
Mental death or that lovely way to suicide just by thinking
I
Am
Human
Unstable
Jealous
Beautiful
Tears
Wrenching
Loving
You from way back when
Connected to you before connected to this body my umbilical
My history my castle story with green lands and secrets
And magic and everything grand
So much grand not like today
Everything atomic molecular phenomenally tiny
In your creations I hear another
I hear myself familiar
I need to cry for you for me I want to hurt for your pain for my body
My own salvation my own freedom from want from feeling from a body a mind
I despise self for it I despise her I need to vomit I god I miss you
It was much different in summer
Jason I know you feel it but do you consider it as I do?
I worry I know, that is what I do and I know summer I was free I depended on me I was motivated and productive now I am your leech I survive your blood on your blood alone
I have a tear I have three at best but I have not cried
For there is no relief none at all save a bit less salt in my body my body MY body
all I own all I control but yes I do not I am not I can not control most of its very functions
nor do I even begin to understand them
I do not know how why origin of thought I cannot make my heart beat I cannot control my thoughts
Even for the most part
My pain most of all
It is not mine
I did not create it
A gift my body a gift
I cannot control
Myself my being
A gift I cannot control
Sometimes I violent wishes for death
Sometimes im so frightened of death frightened of myself and missing you.
