that sneer that terrifying ancient deep-rooted sneer
guilt fear what if she's right
'that doesnt bother you AT ALL? TO WRECK HIS FUCKING MARRIAGE?'
(I WILL THROW THAT FIRST GOD FORSAKEN STONE AND POUND YOU WITH A TON OF THEM THEREAFTER)
i'm stumbling stuttering back in old habits die hard i am finding me instantly reduced to that pathetic useless little weak girl i've never. had. anyone. who is not my father. make me feel so fucking wrong. my brain turns to jelly and there's nothing left but panic. 'i deserve that don't i?' you deserve a fucking award for snake-tongued demons posing as friends after being gone ten thousand years. and the universe tried to take care of me but i ignored instinct ignored instinct wait stupidly on bar stool you finish flirting all while i'm arranging my skirt, hands, position of head. mind? stupid smile for you to turn around and embrace me with a smile of a thousand years but you just stand. incredulous. like i didnt and shouldnt exist like i killed your family. with your eyes the way they are and your mouth turned into a smile that was a grimace.
i stutter i stutter and you walk away i am horrified i will cry i will fucking puke i am panic.
and how do i tell him? how do i tell anyone? had i the words they would all incriminate. had i the training in speech to articulate what just happened that i just committed suicide. they would throw stones too.
i cry in the car and i am surrounded by friends crying loudly the music is louder no one notices. i see my reflection in the rearview i am ugly and i am crying.
i blow my brains out in your direction. and then i turn the gun on you. on us. because i am killing myself and i have killed you and her and i realize i have done. the unspeakable. the unforgivable. she knows. now everyone will know. your friends will know and slowly this shit will seep back to the other side of the planet and your wife will know and then.
i am sick.
nightmares nightmares nightmares.
falling asleep i knew they would come. i knew it i welcomed it punishment for the weak the stupid.
my mother is drunk and stupid and topless and around my friends.
adele is telling me jason and his new girl together in my apartment in the next room and making plans and happy and isnt that what i wanted find a new girl fall out of love with me.
i am screaming at adele on the phone. voice dripping with hatred. dripping with birdshit. and then she is here. from behind i see her small head curly bouncy hair in my room and i am pulling it out and hitting her and screaming.
and i wake up.
and the feeling. that terrible feeling. still.
it is a graphic premonition of murdering my own child with my car. accidentally.
